How often these days do you hear statements like “my ex was a narcissist” or “ALL my exes were narcissists” or “my boss was gaslighting me”?
This terminology is supposed to describe a severe mental illness, not everyday egotism, disregard for facts or arrogance.
Narcissistic personality disorder showed up very late in the official medical literature. Decades before that US intelligence agencies had already understood this pathology and diagnosed Adolf Hitler from a distance for a secret assessment.
In recent years the topic of narcissism became a viral phenomenon on the internet and due to questionable behaviors from influencers and audiences alike we see exactly what experts had warned about: Amateurs wildly “diagnosing” everyone they don’t like. You set a personal boundary? You’re a toxic narcissist. You stand up for your own interests? You are “gaslighting”.
If you are not an expert and the person you are trying to assess is not available to you for questioning and observation in a closed therapeutical environment, you are not supposed to diagnose but do not just leave this matter to the experts either. Assess and guess the probability that the person is dangerous. It’s not necessary to arrive at a full clinical diagnosis, especially when several pathologies can exist at the same time in somebody’s mind. Set a threshold at which it is not worth the risk to engage with a person.
A large section of the population has a problematic baseline. They have learnt that loyalty does not get you loyalty back and requires too much effort. They will accept hierarchies and rules when they must (at their jobs, in the legal systems etc.) but not really anywhere else. Reality is too harsh for them so they prefer fantasies and lies. They shun responsibilities and tend to blame others and play the victim. It’s too much hassle to judge a situation properly. The easier way is operating in simple routines.
When they sense an opportunity, like a potential new partner or a new job, they deviate from that baseline for a while but they will eventually return to that baseline. This appears similar to what a true narcissist does: Pretend and promise what the target person desires and then flip once there is a dependency. But a narcissist is far more extreme.
To focus on your own advantage, to put yourself in the best possible light, to trick and deceive to a certain extent, to put yourself in the foreground, to ignore negative things in reality, to cultivate excessive optimism and to look for ways to getting one’s own needs met is still within normal limits.
Actual narcissism is a personality disorder in which the affected person constantly tries to make themselves feel better through fantasies. Your true self is replaced by an idealized fiction and the rest of reality must constantly be distorted in your own mind. The gap between reality and fantasy tends to be smaller for unsuccessful narcissists. They can even be shy and appear vulnerable. For successful narcissists, the gap is significantly larger and they like to be the absolute center of attention. Their drug is fulfilling their needs and they have an arsenal of techniques to get what they want. For them, other people are cardboard cutouts, tools and resources that need to be exploited in the form of attention, favors and money. They suffer particularly badly from being ignored, devalued or even insulted. Even if they are treated relatively normally, this triggers horror because the treatment does not fit at all with the grandiose self-image, but with the feared reality. There is a certain spectrum in which the phenomenon of narcissism is pronounced and because we generally live in a performance society in which influence is valued very much and one quickly becomes a target if one is weak, it is not easy to recognize real narcissism at an early stage. Virtually every single trait that can be listed can, on its own, appear in a normal person:
The longing to be admired and seen as a hero, the anger at living a normal and dull life, the ambition to force the world to change, an exaggerated self-portrayal to the outside world, fantasies and daydreams about future success, or a lack of interest in other people’s problems.
Unrealistic self-image and self-esteem
Sometimes it’s easy to tell when someone thinks they’re brilliant, but their work and intelligence are mediocre or even below average. It should be borne in mind that in the political-ideological and religious areas, self-overestimation is unfortunately very common. A typical influencer thrives on taking common, already popular ideas and acting as if they could save the world. Sometimes it can be essential to make big plans and set the bar very high for yourself. Some narcissists tell a bunch of grandiose lies about their past, about great adventures, riches, and the like. Even normal people lie about old times, but a narcissist is much more extreme in this regard. If you dig into a story and it becomes clear that there are discrepancies or missing evidence, a real narcissist can continue to spin his fantasies: His work with an elite military unit was so secret that the records were never made public. Or there was a real conspiracy against him to rob him of his fame. There are countless Americans who claim that they were in the Navy SEALS unit and even got the corresponding tattoos. Not all people like that have narcissistic personality disorder. The typical faker of the social media era may or may not be a narcissist if he or she brags about photos that only show rented cars, or a selfie that he was lucky enough to get with a celebrity, or a house burdened with high debts. For some influencers, acting this way is just business. There are even shy, unsuccessful narcissists who act vulnerable and get attention and favors on the pity route. These people don’t act like they’re a star who needs the red carpet.
Exaggerated ideas about what they can achieve
It can be a self-motivation technique. It is particularly difficult if the person works in a complicated specialist area that a layperson cannot understand. There are always people who are actually on the trail of breakthroughs. When Marie Curie discovered radioactivity, her (male) colleagues viewed her as an arrogant fraud. Then there are also the dazzlers who wear a turtleneck sweater under their jacket to look like Steve Jobs from Apple, and on stage wow investors and shareholders with hollow phrases. Such fakers don’t necessarily have to be narcissistic either.
Preference for surrounding yourself with “special” people
Our world has a problem with mediocrity, boredom and lack of motivation. When you’re fed up with conversations about cooking or football, you may feel the need to distance yourself from your everyday peers and develop different demands. Without the will to achieve and achieve something special, there would have been no scientific, cultural or other breakthroughs. In addition, it is very difficult to rise socially and professionally. Falling down, on the other hand, happens quickly; especially through contact with uneducated people. If someone is very picky, it is not necessarily an indication of narcissism. However, you also have to be able to expect a picky person to stand in line and wait, not to constantly and unreasonably expect favoritism, and not to want to talk to superiors or the boss right away. It cannot be that someone is causing a scene, belittling ordinary staff, or not living up to their own expectations of other people at all.
Requires excessive admiration
Here too, it is crucial whether the expectations and demands somehow still match one’s own performance. Some people just need a lot more external validation.
Extreme sense of entitlement
It depends on whether someone has completely abandoned the ground of proportionality and even thinks that everything should come to them regardless of performance.
Exploitative behavior
If he is an entrepreneur, or someone in a high position in research or in the military, he may simply be under tremendous stress and have no way of meeting the needs of others. Or it’s just excessive greed coupled with a lack of empathy for other people. It’s important to know that true narcissists are skilled liars who find a million excuses for their behavior that sound plausible. Extreme ingratitude is 40 also typical. No matter what you did for the narcissist; If you can’t give anything more, you will be dropped or have to listen to accusations.
Lack of empathy
We humans can only be empathetic to a limited extent because we lack time and resources. It is only an indication of narcissism if the person lacks empathy where he can afford to behave better and where helping others would make a normal person happy. There is no point in letting yourself be dragged down by all the countless problems in the world. Unfortunately, empathy is often faked and used for ideological purposes. New members of an organization can be showered with love and empathy in order to retain them. A dangerous person can seem like the best listener and, in addition to offering emotional support, can also suggest solu tions to problems. A fanatical ideologue becomes invested in certain victims from within his own circles, while he doesn’t care about the suffering of other people or even sees it as fair for flimsy reasons.
In principle, he sees himself as the victim, the persecuted and the martyr
Many people are cheated, unfairly persecuted and punished. Political activists in particular often operate in dangerous environments. A narcissist, on the other hand, will almost always assume the role of victim, no matter how obvious his guilt or failure is. They are the world champions of excuses. If the narcissist advocates a right-wing conservative ideology, he will dismiss every (justified) accusation against him as a left-wing conspiracy and try to get maximum publicity for himself from it. Texas conspiracy influencer Alex Jones ended up in court because he and his employees, out of calculation and incompetence, denigrated the par ents of the SandyHook shooting as “actors.” There were no dead children at all, the whole thing was a theater on behalf of the left-wing “Deep State” and it would be worth spying on the parents. While Jones was being questioned in court, his editors published a graphic depicting the judge as a burning monster. The facts gathered and the statements made by Jones and his “journalists” were devastating. The verdicts were for a $1.5 billion fine. He is always completely innocent and if you allow the “Deep State” to do this to him, every patriotic American would be in danger next.
Obsessed with his external impact
What counts in the world is beauty, status symbols and the first impression you make. This does not have to indicate a personality disorder. It may be a profes sional necessity or simply a more pronounced character trait.
Wants to be the center of attention
Some normal people rely on attracting attention and/or define themselves by making others laugh and otherwise entertain. There is a natural, genetic talent that some possess. But there are also many situations where someone like this simply prefers to listen, lets others shine at something, pays compliments to oth ers and doesn’t always want to be the best. A narcissist finds being outdone un bearable, unless by someone with power worth fawning over.
Frequently breaks rules
These can be laws or rules of etiquette. Some normal people are too talented to be constantly limited or have no nerve for social etiquette. But a narcissist must constantly demonstrate to himself and others that he is a superhuman to whom rules do not apply.
Reacts sensitively to criticism
When it comes to constructive, factual criticism, caution is advised. Entire organi zations use well-rehearsed routines to deflect criticism. The points raised are ig nored or blocked, then the focus is on the opponent and he is criticized. A true narcissist will quickly classify you as an enemy if you harm their exaggerated fan tasies.
Special charm and captivating nature
Some people are charming by nature. They are extroverted and have a strong sense of humor and an engaging personality. It can also be a professional necessity for the person to approach other people. But is there really performance be hind the facade? Does he lure people in with his charm but then show his true nature? Is he then too stressful, too hurtful, too difficult? Does he switch back into mega-charm mode every now and then? This is particularly dangerous in relation ships when a narcissist pretends to be a “soul mate” and literally showers the target with love.
Talks too much about himself
Typically, excessive use of words like “I,” “me,” and “my” is considered a warning sign. But that doesn’t have to mean much; just as little if someone emphasizes their own achievements and reports a lot about their successes. A true narcissist views people like cardboard cutouts and is essentially mentally retarded.
Condemns groups of people
Is this just happening out of frustration? Is he able to differentiate and be fair when it matters most? In our woke era, the standards have been seriously shifted. Anyone who is put off by the medieval beliefs of some Muslim migrants or the migration policy in the West is being suspected of having a pathological personal ity. Likewise, one should not rush to judgment if a Muslim is prejudiced against NATO countries because of their serious geopolitical interference and wars. An intelligent person can be frustrated with all kinds of people, but at the same time is able to differentiate and be constructive. A narcissist is far too vile.
Is a schemer and conspirator
With far too many true narcissists running around in society and this behavior having rubbed off on too many ordinary people, there may be pressure to fight fire with fire. Real narcissists are so preoccupied with intrigue that it even causes massive damage to their own interests. Some are like a magnet for unnecessary problems and the principle of chaos takes effect: In order to cover up wrongdoing, further wrongdoing occurs.
